


if i get high enough (will i see you again)

by taehbaeh



Series: when you're gone [2]
Category: X1 (Korea Band)
Genre: Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Use, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, This Is Sad, grieving seungyoun, i keep putting him through pain, im sorry, wooseok is a hallucination
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-14
Updated: 2019-10-14
Packaged: 2020-10-20 03:09:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20668316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taehbaeh/pseuds/taehbaeh
Summary: “Seungyoun.”That voice.Seungyoun thought his ears were playing tricks on him but no. There he was, standing by the door frame, dressed in his favorite grey sweater, looking absolutely astonishing; just like Seungyoun remembered him.“…Wooseok?”





	if i get high enough (will i see you again)

**Author's Note:**

> This is a part two of my small series called 'when you're gone' so I suggest you read that first.  
The title's taken from 'If I Get High' by Nothing but Thieves, it's a really beautiful song please give it a listen if you haven't!  
Thank you for reading, kudos and comments are always very much appreciated!  
I apologize for any errors, typos etc.
> 
> Edit: made some minor changes to this, nothing big just things I thought fitted better

Seungyoun punched in the passcode to the door. He was intoxicated with more than just alcohol but it’d take a whole lot more for his fingers to forget their way around these digits. He stumbled into Wooseok’s apartment, struggling to keep his balance and the moment he flicked the light switch on, everything hit him like a strong punch in the gut.

He hadn’t stepped foot in this apartment ever since he read the letters for the first time, right after Wooseok’s funeral. Wooseok’s mother was supposed to empty out the apartment but it’d been months and Seungyoun could tell she hadn’t; he couldn’t blame her though. How could a mother empty her dead’s son apartment as if it’s no big deal?

Though his vision wavered, Seungyoun couldn’t help but notice how Woosek’s apartment was still the same. Everything was where it was supposed to be. It looked like nothing had changed.

Except, _everything_ had changed.

Wooseok was gone yet his apartment stood in its place as if nothing had happened.

Seungyoun felt the tears gather in his eyes; he had no reason to hold them back now. No one could see him. No one was here.

He made his way through the living room clumsily, dragging the weight of his body to Wooseok’s bedroom, falling onto the wooden floor; the letters he’d been clutching in his hand, now scattered all over the floor around him. They had so many crease lines, all of them fluffy to the outside from the many times Seungyoun had held them in his hands, eyes studying over all the things that had been left unsaid. Likewise, the paper was soft to the touch, the blue ink had run but only slightly. Seungyoun doubted he’d have any problem with reciting them from memory at this point; the words were engraved in his mind forever. But there was quite nothing like looking at the strokes of the pen made all those exhaustingly painful months ago, seeing Wooseok’s personality behind the strong lines and heavy punctuation marks.

Wooseok had a way of pouring his heart into everything that he did, even the simplest things. Seungyoun could almost see Wooseok sitting at his desk, pen clutched between delicate fingers, tongue poking out as he focused solely on the task at hand.

_I miss you,_ Seungyoun wanted to tell him. When the words would not come, the tears did. The numbness of his loss had passed, and the pain hit him out of nowhere, doubling him over, racking his body with sobs. _Where are you?_ he cried out in his mind. _Where have you gone?_ Of course, there was never any answer. And there would never be one.

The wish for Wooseok to be there filled him with such rage and bitterness that he thought he would explode. One day he would grieve for him, but first, he would have to accept he was really gone - and though Seungyoun had been there when Wooseok took his last breath, when his hand had suddenly gone limp in Seungyoun’s own, there’s part of him that held that memory back. There’s part of him that would never believe Wooseok wouldn’t come bouncing around some corner to laugh at him for falling for this elaborate joke.

Seungyoun was bitter. He was bitter as he was hurt. Whenever he walked in public, seeing people laugh and live their lives to the fullest, he couldn’t help but wonder _why do they get to be happy when I feel as if a part of me has been ripped away?_ Things he used to find funny now only caused a deepening of the pain. Wooseok should have been there to laugh with him, or at him, or just near him. He should be making his espressos in that damn expensive machine and complaining about the price of eggs. He should’ve been there to nag at Seungyoun every minute of the day and he should’ve been there to fall asleep on his shoulder when they’d be watching a movie that neither of them really paid any attention to.

He should have been there for Seungyoun to finally kiss him and say everything he’d been too much of a fucking coward to say. But Wooseok was gone and this wasn’t a case of second chances; Seungyoun had no more chances left. His words would never reach Wooseok’s ears and that was something he’d have to accept eventually.

The regret of letting Wooseok leave without him knowing how much Seungyoun loved him was something that would be chasing after him for eternity. Wooseok should’ve known that Seungyoun was also dependant on him, that sometimes Seungyoun could barely function without him. And _God_, he should’ve known that Seungyoun had already given him a huge part of himself.

Seungyoun belonged to Wooseok as much as Wooseok belonged to him.

No matter how much he’d try to forget, Seungyoun knew he would never be able to. The regret would come to him in quiet moments, such as when he was going to sleep or stopped to take a lunch break. It would seep to the foreground of his mind and demand to be re-examined again.

His mind was hazy and his head ached, the pain was draining him and the combination of alcohol and other substances did little to numb it.

Wooseok would be disappointed in him, he would-

“Seungyoun.”

_That voice._

Seungyoun thought his ears were playing tricks on him but no. There he was, standing by the door frame, dressed in his favorite grey sweater, looking absolutely astonishing; just like Seungyoun remembered him.

“…Wooseok?”

No, this couldn’t be. It couldn’t be him, there was no way-

“It’s me, Seungyoun.”

Wooseok took two steps closer and Seungyoun could feel the world closing in on him. It was clear this was some fucked up hallucination made up by Seungyoun’s equally fucked up and cloudy brain.

But Wooseok was there, right in front of him and he looked _so_ real. It almost killed to think it wasn’t actually him.

“I’m here, Younie.”

Seungyoun shook his head, “No..no.” Both his hands reached up to grab onto his throbbing head as the tears welled up in his eyes again, choking up his throat.

_This isn’t really Wooseok, this isn’t-_

“Seungyoun, look at me.”

He didn’t want to. Seungyoun didn’t want to look because it would hurt him, break him, _ruin him_.

He didn’t want to give in to the stupid games his mind was playing on him. But his name slipped so familiarly from the other’s mouth, Seungyoun couldn’t help but do as he was asked.

He’d never been able to say no to him.

And Wooseok was standing much closer, his features resembling those he had before he got sick. No hollowed cheeks and sunken eyes, no pale skin and chapped lips.

He looked so _beautiful_, exactly as Seungyoun remembered him, the images stored away in his most precious memories.

“Have you been drinking?” he asked, voice gentle and troubled, the way it sounded when he used to worry about Seungyoun.

“What- Why are you doing this to me?”

Seungyou didn’t actually need an answer, he knew _this_ Wooseok was pulled out of the fragments of his memories and put there to torment him even more. But he would be gone soon, most probably once Seungyoun sobered up, and he wasn’t sure he’d be able to bear the pain of losing him a second time.

_No_, that pain would be too much.

Wooseok reached out to touch the side of Seungyoun’s face. And Seungyoun could almost feel it; could almost act as if it was real.

“You’re doing this to yourself, Seungyoun.”

Wooseok spoke ever so softly and his voice managed to soothe Seungyoun’s aching heart in a way he didn’t ought to be possible.

Seungyoun stared at him, eyes boring into familiar brown ones, and for the first time in months, he felt the pain subside, replaced with the warmth from Wooseok’s hand against his skin.

But he should’ve known the feeling was too good to last.

_“Why didn’t you tell me that you loved me?”_

Wooseok’s question came and cut through him like a knife with the sole purpose of twisting up his insides and making him feel sick to no end.

_Why?_ Why hadn’t he said anything? It was a question that would haunt him till the day he died.

“I- I’m sorry, I didn’t- I don’t know, Wooseok.“

The other smiled but it did nothing to comfort Seungyoun.

“Then say it now.”

And suddenly, Wooseok looked so far away; so out of reach. Seungyoun wanted to reach out, hold on to him and keep him close but Wooseok was slipping away. His touch no longer felt real and his entire form seemed to fade into thin air.

Seungyoun blinked once and suddenly he saw nothing but an empty space. His eyes searched around the room frantically, for something, _anything_. But there was no sight of Wooseok.

_I love you_, Seungyoun wanted to yell but the other was long gone.

He had lost his light again.

The tears came quicker than any other time and he cried until there was nothing left inside but a raw emptiness that nibbled at his insides like a hungry rat. His irises were threaded scarlet and his eyeballs hung heavy in their sockets. His whole body hung limp like each limb weighed twice as much as it had before and just moving it about was a slow, painful effort. The stars still shone in the sky, but not for him, the birds would sing in bursts of melody the following morning, but not for him, for him there was no beauty left in the world.

Because to him, beauty was Wooseok. And Wooseok was no longer there.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this wanting to show how Seungyoun dealt with the pain of losing Wooseok and how it made him create Wooseok's reappearance as to confront himself, his pain and his regrets through Wooseok, if that makes sense. And I wanted to write a bit more of Seungyoun's point of view and his feelings since the previous part was mostly through Wooseok's pov.  
I hope you liked it!!


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